Communicating With Your ADHD Child

Communicating With Your ADHD Child

Communicating With Your ADHD Child

Even though I’d heard that communication is a skill we learn and practice, no one told me how important that would be in raising my child. Between Lee’s inability to focus, a lot of hyperactivity, and emotions that were hard to regulate, it became my challenge to find a different way to communicate. In this month’s blog, I put together the tips that worked for me over the years. Hope you’ll find one that works for you!

Before my child, Lee was diagnosed with ADHD, I found myself starting far too many sentences with, “Didn’t you remember…” or “How many times have I told you…” Or “What were you thinking…” Then there were the pleas to “Pay Attention!” or “Remember what I told you…” that my child didn’t seem to hear, only serving to make me feel like a terrible mother.

After the diagnosis, I learned why communicating with Lee was so difficult. The child psychologist explained to me that Lee’s inability to regulate focus and tendency to hyperfocus, plus struggles with hyperactivity, made it very challenging for my child to listen to me. Communication would be a skill we would both need to learn and practice.

I can’t say this was easy, and there were times I fell back on those useless questions when my frustration boiled over. But through the years, I found advice to guide me through the worst of days. Here are my favorites:

PATIENCE: The worst time to have a conversation, especially an important one, is when your child is hyperfocused on whatever has their attention at the time. Wait until your child is focused on you. 

STAY PRESENT: Ask questions and be an attentive listener. This was always tough for me as my brain tends to jump ahead and make assumptions. But slowing down and staying in the present moment brought me new insight into my child’s thoughts and improved my parenting.  

TIMING: If your child is feeling anxiety over something, this is the worst time to press a point. Back off, offer coping mechanisms for the anxiety they’re feeling, and try again when they’re calm.

GO SLOW:  Don’t overload your child with a large expectation. One thing at a time always works better. Instead of “Clean Your Room,” start with “Pick up everything that’s yellow,” and so on through the rainbow.

DROP REMEMBER: Asking the question, “Did you remember?” only made my child feel worse. Like Lee, many children with ADHD have memory attention deficit and need tips to remember. One of Lee’s favorite ways to remember our address was to sing it every day. To this day, both of us still remember the tune!

USE FIDGET TOYS: Lee was able to focus better with the use of fidget toys. They served to ease hyperactivity and allowed my child to stay seated and listen more effectively. Whenever I could get a teacher to allow one, Lee’s favorite was squishy balls in jacket pockets. At home, it was every neon shade of slime.  

RESPOND: If you feel your temperature rising in an explosive moment with your child, stop, close your eyes, and take a deep breath. Then, respond, don’t react. Repeating what your child has said, reflecting back their own words and naming their emotion, such as, “You must feel angry,” gives you time to collect yourself.

PRAISE: ADHD kids often receive more criticism than their peers. Praise what your child can do, offer help with what she can’t. Celebrate the things she did well that day. A little praise goes a long way in building their self-esteem.         

(For more resources on communication, visit my website at the ADDitude Blog page)

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A Milestone

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…I leaned back in my chair, feeling my heart swell.  If I had known, when Lee was diagnosed with ADHD, that one day I’d hear these words, it would have given me so much hope.  

“Mom, Alex and I had an argument.”  Lee plopped into a chair across from me at the kitchen table.

I paused, mid-bite, and put my sandwich down.  A shared confidence from my 21-year-old was like unwrapping a Christmas present. 

“What are those things called again?  You know, the problem I have with time.”

            Boy did I know the answer to that one.  “Executive functions.”

            “Yeah.  He wanted me to drop the game we were playing online and join this group chat.  But I need time to process the change.  I can’t transition that fast.”

I leaned back in my chair, feeling my heart swell.  If I had known, when Lee was diagnosed with ADHD, that one day I’d hear these words, it would have given me so much hope.  A self-awareness of executive function problems, whether it be organization, prioritization, time management, or follow-through was crucial to regulating them.  And, for Lee, time management was the worst of all.

            “Let’s make a bubble chart with executive functions on top, then time under it, the reasons it’s hard for me under that, and the coping mechanisms I need.”  Lee ran from the room and came back a few seconds later, skidding to a stop. Colored markers and paper spilled onto the table.  “I’m going to use this chart to teach Alex so he understands.”

            I had to laugh.  Lee was a mini-me in motion.  How many times had I tried to explain to teachers when she was in grade school that Lee wasn’t lazy; she was a slow processor.  Give her more time, I pleaded, more prompts to turn in homework, more prompts to write it down.  Present the information not just on the board, but verbally.  And, I begged for more time for any testing. 

At home, I started a new system of time.  Family activities were written on a magnetic calendar, stuck right on the kitchen refrigerator.  The fewer surprises for Lee, the better.  When we went somewhere, I added in extra time before we left.  If necessary, time to sit in the car before entering the sensory onslaught of a mall, a doctor’s office or even playdates. 

            I looked at Lee’s chart, now filled with different colored bubbles.  “Executive Functions” was in a pink bubble on the top.  Under it, a line led to a blue one for “Time Management.”  Another line beneath that one led to an orange bubble, “Slow Processor,” with three green bubbles underneath for coping mechanisms. 

            “So, here’s the ways I deal with time problems, Mom.  Reminders, lists, and advance notice.  That’s what I needed today.”  True, I thought.  When Lee was in high school, she used a black sharpie on her hand for reminders, but today it was a phone alarm or a post-it.  Often, I found post-its on my desk in the morning, reminding me to remind Lee as a back-up to the alarm.  When there were a lot of daily activities, we made lists and added check boxes.  Always, I knew to give advance notice, both written and verbally.

            Lee grabbed the chart and said, “Thanks, Mom.  Alex just needs to understand the way I function.  People who don’t have ADHD just don’t get it.”

            What a milestone, I thought.  What a great way to start this new year.

 

 

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read more
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read more
Communicating With Your ADHD Child

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Even though I’d heard that communication is a skill we learn and practice, no one told me how important that would be in raising my child. Between Lee’s inability to focus, a lot of hyperactivity, and emotions that were hard to regulate, it became my challenge to find a different way to communicate. In this month’s blog, I put together the tips that worked for me over the years. Hope you’ll find one that works for you!

read more